With everyone stuck in their homes during this huge pandemic that has taken our normal lives hostage for the unforeseen future, there is so much content being put out on social media sites, news sites, and eblasts about all the appropriate topics; COVID-19, staying home, how to clean, how to stay calm, how to keep your kids occupied, resources on the web to save your sanity. In the middle of all this repetitive noise I’ve seen a few posts from families like mine watching all the chaos unfold and saying, hey, this is actually nothing new for us. Any medical family can tell you that they’ve had to practice “social distancing” for extended periods of time while they were recovering from surgeries or cancer treatments. We’ve done two full stints of stuck at home for six weeks at a time, or even better, stuck in a hospital for six weeks. And of course, we have friends who have been forced to “self-quarantine” for months at a time. The big difference for us is that this time we can’t have any visitors and we are not the one family watching summer unfold from our windows while everyone else is outside living their lives. Now we are all in this together, and it’s getting pretty official. The best we can do is just get through it and hope to come out on the other side.
Craig and I like to call these periods of time, “getting through”, very creative I know but it works. Because that’s all you need to do, you just need to get through it. That may look very different for every family. When we do it we pack our schedule if we can, that makes the days just fly by and we fall into bed too exhausted to worry about absolutely anything. If we require the use of the now legal in the great state of Illinois to get through some moments of heart-stopping, gut-wrenching panic that comes out of nowhere swinging, then we do that. If we need to use our time to put our heads on a pillow, then we do that. And if we need to throw our hands up in the air when someone is shedding tears over his spelling words (his best subject in school), then we do what we need to get through. There is no judgment when you are in a “getting through.” There is no right or wrong way to hold onto your own sanity. Though we do have a few tips that have worked well for us.
Connect with people. Email and social media is one way to connect but trust me when I say it’s not enough. Text is OK, but that’s not enough either. There is something special about hearing another voice coming to you, about seeing someone’s face react to a story or joke. Call people, listen to the sound of their voice and have someone listening to yours. FaceTime/Duo/Zoom and do it as much as you can. We’ve added one during breakfast so Aleck can visit with friends, Zoom lunch with at least 15 other kids from his class, an entire section of our schedule before dinner dedicated to relatives only, and then taking calls here and there during the day when the people who’s faces we want to see are available. When we were recovering from surgery we’d have as many friends and family over as possible for hugs and company, but since we can’t be the consummate hosts we love to be, this is the next best thing.
You need to make some kind of a schedule, and I don’t just mean for your kids. If you are a two-parent household and both parents are home, this schedule will be your lifeline. Yes, it’s a great idea to work on it with your kids if that’s appropriate, it’s much harder for them to argue the schedule when they put it together with your input. For Aleck, it gives him those times to look forward to. He schedules his tech time with his buddies and that way they are ready and waiting for each other. But what’s really helpful is giving each other alone time. If you saw my totally insane they are going to take me away schedule I put together, you might have been ready to call the asylum yourself. But it’s day 4 and it’s evolved with the skeleton of the original still in place. Craig and I each get chunks of time ALONE. We don’t question what each other is doing during our personal times, they are to be handled as we want, but knowing when they are coming keeps us sane as well. If both parents are working at home, that’s still the time when one person is overseeing the kids/kid/infant/toddler/terrorist/teenager/tween. With time-sensitive conference calls or deadlines these times may need to be shifted, and so be it. But at least get an outline of when you know you can close the door, hide in the basement, and make that phone call or finally catch up on The Handmaid’s Tale without anyone calling your name, spouses included.
Appreciate each other. Boy, this is a tough one, don’t you think? Especially when you are stuck in one space for a long period of time. Craig and I always joke that we are so much better in a crisis than we are during normal business hours. We are more careful to say “please” and “thank you”, we are courteous to each other without prompting. However, when the crisis is over its usually back to that base level of expectation, that we should all be doing our daily tasks and chores without so many expressions of praise and gratitude. Taking that moment to thank your spouse when they stay up late to set-up the Crock-Pot for a Coq Au Vin (without the bacon of course), letting them know that their effort was appreciated will help encourage more delicious slow-cooked dinners (hint, hint…yum).
Recognize when you are being an asshole because you will be one at many different times. For me, I know exactly when that happens. I go marching through the house and start shouting about each thing I see that’s not where I want it to be, tasks left unfinished right in the middle of the living room, and time is running out (or at least for the day). My heart is beating quickly, I can feel the flush rising up in my cheeks, and that tone in my voice is very familiar. I’m being an asshole. And when I’m done ranting and raving through every room of the house, I need to do whatever at that moment to get myself back to baseline. Last night I did a yoga DVD that was not great, but it got me breathing again. When it was all over I turned to Craig and I apologized for how I had acted. I didn’t promise not to do it again, I’m going to do it again, I’m going to act like an asshole again, and I’m going to apologize for my behavior again, and Craig’s going to do the same. Locked up with someone you love, this is just how it unfolds. I have a very vivid memory of Craig and I chucking Aleck’s stuffed animals at each other over Aleck’s crib at Lurie after he had his tonsils taken out, with all the force I could muster. Just try not to kill each other and say I’m sorry. We are all in this together.
Do not worry too much about school. Let’s get real, the school year is over. Our chances of going back to school before September are pretty minuscule at this point. Accommodations will have to be made for everyone in the entire country, we are all in this together. If you have small children then the learning we are doing with our children is mostly to get them through every day so that they don’t go crazy at home. But if you are working on an assignment and you see the fight coming, you can always stop the activity. Grading will be a joke, no one is going to care all that much if the work isn’t completed or up to your usual level especially for elementary school kids. We are parents and most of us are not trained, educators. We also have our own jobs that we are desperately trying to hold onto right now. So put their headphones on, let them watch Brainpop or Mo Willems drawing, and give yourself the chance to step away and get your own stuff done. Or forget the French worksheets and opt for a cuddle session instead if your work schedule allows. Make it fun, make it as easy as possible, and don’t worry what that Tiger Mom down the street is doing.
Wear shoes when you are inside! This may sound silly, staying at home and being barefoot (insert misogynistic joke here) might feel like one of your only treats about being stuck. But your back won’t be happy. I keep a pair of Dansko clogs that I use for my indoor shoes. When I’m stuck in a hospital a pair of sneakers that I don’t adore are perfect in case of uncontrolled bodily fluids. Our bodies aren’t meant to stand on hard floors without any support, find a pair of shoes to give you that lift you need each and every day.
You are doing the best you can. I know you are. You are a good person and you will get through this somehow. But don’t count down the days, we don’t know how long we will be here. And don’t take your frustrations out at your friends on social media, they are also frustrated and scared just like you. Be kind to everyone you come in (distant) contact with, we are all carrying this burden of fear of the unknown together. Somedays you’ll feel like you’ve got this all under control and other days you’ll feel like you’ve been kicked in the gut by the US Women’s soccer team. Take comfort that whatever happens, tomorrow is a new day and you’ll probably feel better about it.
Meanwhile, Aleck started taking independent steps just over a week ago. He’s still complaining a lot about pain and stiffness, and his gait is far from his baseline. We just started back at physical therapy on 2/26 and of course, it’s now over until further notice. Today we got the call we’ve been waiting for, all elective surgeries have been canceled including Aleck’s. I’m worried about him reverting to turning out that right leg, basically ruining the work that surgery did in 2018. I’m also concerned about getting the hardware out before the bones grow over, but this decision was taken out of our hands. The best-laid plans…
Here you will see two videos of Aleck walking the same route we make him walk every day. Just up and down the side of our house. He walks inside too, from room to room, sometimes in the walker, sometimes on his own. He’s more than happy to wake us up in the morning barefoot as he did on Sunday, yet he will scream that he can’t make it across our dining room. It’s exhausting. You can see for yourself in the two videos below, they are only two days apart.
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