Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Sunday afternoon is when everything just came crashing down.  It was 3:30pm and I had been trying to feed Aleck for an hour.  He kept unlatching constantly, something he had been doing for a few weeks, even before the cold set in, and he was screaming on me, something he hadn’t done for a while but was starting to do more and more often.  Simultaneously I was trying to put together this lovely afternoon with my dad and my sister, timing everything around Aleck’s feeding

and napping schedule so they could have some fun time with him.  Recently it had started to feel like my sister only saw Aleck when he was fussing and I really wanted her to get some of those enjoyable moments with him that I’ve been relishing lately, I wanted her to see his new big smile he loves to flash and hear his adorable laugh that’s been keeping me going every day.

My dad showed up just before 3:30pm and I was a total wreck.  I started to feel that every time we made progress with feedings and were moving forward, we’d move three steps back instead.  I’d get the feedings to be shorter, but he’d be screaming more.  He wouldn’t be screaming so much, but the feed would go on forever.  And heaven help me if I tried to burp him without throwing him over my shoulder and bouncing on my exercise ball.  I started having anxiety over feeding him in places where I didn’t have my ball with me.  On top of it all, we are gearing up for a weekend in Michigan with my family.  How can I possibly enjoy anyone’s company when I’m still battling with these feeding issues?  As I sat in my glider, clutching Aleck, tears streaming down my cheek, bags under my eyes, my dad started a very frank discussion with me about my feedings. He’s been watching this process for 4 and a half months now, and even with two medications, me off dairy, sticking to a schedule, only feeding in his room in the glider, and all the other sacrifices and efforts I was

making something wasn’t working.  He asked me who I was doing this for, why I was still trying to nurse through all of these issues, because clearly the crying underweight baby in my arms wouldn’t benefit from yet another day of this.  Is nursing for me, or for Aleck, because if it’s for Aleck than it might be time to stop.

A crack of lightning went through my entire body, my brain lit up like a Christmas Tree, and my insides felt like they had been gutted.  Was this actually working?  It was time to reevaluate the situation.  The books all said to check to see if you are empty when switching sides.  Aleck never emptied me.  He once stayed on me, nursing non-stop for one hour and 45 minutes at the end of December, he was almost 3 months old.  When he did nurse well, while we were in between appointments at Children’s,  he was 3 and a half months old and left a puddle of spit-up in the waiting room of the orthotics office, it cleared my burp-cloth covered shoulder completely.  For the past month he’s been waking up multiple times in the middle of the night with tummy pain.  Earlier in our feeding relationship he used to turn his head constantly with my nipple still in his mouth as I would cry out in pain, later in our relationship he would merely unlatch, over and over and over again.

Bedtime was the worst.  After I finished the bedtime feed, which Aleck would usually fall asleep during, Craig would try to put him to bed.  “Try” being the operative word here since after 35 minutes of non-stop wailing, Craig would stumble from his room and declare Aleck was going in the swing so he could calm down.  Then an hour later he would transfer him to the crib.  Just two weeks ago I tried to take Aleck out to run errands after a feed, hoping he would fall asleep in his car seat.   Instead he cried his way through Babies R Us, and didn’t settle down until I fed him again, only an hour or so after his last feed, in the back of my car in the parking lot.  Running errands with him felt like running around with a hand grenade that had a loose pin, it could blow at anytime.  I’ve been feeling trapped, frustrated, helpless, exhausted, and unable to do anything at all.  And for those of you who have offered to come and babysit, I haven’t wanted to subject anyone to his constant wailing save a few close family members and a few friends.  Knowing had it all made me felt, I wanted to put as few people as possible in this position. Let’s be fair, I want everyone to love Aleck and experiencing one of h

is bad days is not a great way to start a relationship.

I started an experiment on Monday.  What would happen if I fed Aleck all day, only formula.  Dairy free, wheat free, soy free formula in a slightly higher concentration to help pack on those extra calories.  Well, ladies and gentleman, we welcomed home an entirely different baby.  Bedtime was amazing.  Craig and I didn’t look like two soldiers left out in the cold of battle, and we enjoyed a collective sigh of relief.  Last night, Aleck slept through the night for the first time in about a month.

Last night I was also on the phone with my mother in-law, wishing her a happy Valentine’s Day.  As I’m telling her what’s going on she proclaims, “Oh yeah, Craig was allergic to everything as a baby.  Dairy, Soy, Wheat, we had him on a special rice formula so he could eat.”  Really?  I mean, REALLY?   It took four and a half months for me to get this information?  So I asked Craig if he knew anything about it.  At first he said he didn’t, then a few minutes later he said, “Oh yeah,

I was allergic to everything.”  REALLY!!!!

So it’s the end of this chapter in our relationship.  Aleck and my boobs are breaking up, and it’s not easy on any of us.  In exchange for taking his bottle I give him a little under the shirt action, but it doesn’t last long.  The reactions kick in almost immediately and he’s off like a prom dress.  What’s been working better is napping on my chest, that’s been giving him great comfort through this transition, and I have to say he’s doing really well.  He’s already gained 11 or so ounces since the dr’s appointment and we went to Babies R Us yesterday with a sleeping angelic Aleck.  I got to be the mom with the sleeping baby that the other shoppers cooed over, it was such a proud moment.

Finally, Aleck is sleeping right now, peaceful and calm, and I’m a total disaster.  As I sit here tonight I’m engorged, filled to the rim with Brim, and it’s painful, but I’ve been here before.  My milk came in when I lost my first baby like some cruel practical joke to constantly remind me of the baby I never got to feed.  And yet, in just the other room is a baby that I desperately want to keep feeding, a baby I want to keep comforting, keep nurturing in this special way that only mothers can.  It is taking all my willpower not to pump, and I’m racking my brain trying to figure out how to make nursing work.  And for what?  To satisfy my need?  To keep me happy?  He’s never taken enough from me, and when he does he vomits all over the place. It’s become painful for both of us to keep going like we’ve been going, but this is also so much harder than I ever expected.  Nursing after his castings, nursing while he’s being fitted with orthotics,  nursing afte

r ultrasounds, x-rays, and upper GI’s.  With him under the cover I felt like I was creating a safe-haven for us in the middle of all the chaos and pain.  Coming to the realization that I might have been hurting him more than helping him is truly painful.  But letting go of this part of our relationship hurts like hell.

When he was born and we found out just how beaten up he was from being inside of me, I was devastated.  It felt like my world was spinning out of control, again, and there I was nothing I could do about it.  But I knew I could produce milk, and I knew I could nurse, and Aleck latched right away.  It gave me such a feeling of peace that this one thing could actually go the way I wanted it to.  This very small aspect of motherhood could even remotely look like I imagined it to, first with her, and now with him.  That in the middle of everything crashing down around us, we could do this and it would be OK.  I have credited nursing to why I’ve been able to sleep at all since we brought him home.  Why I slept again after Craig totaled the car, after Aleck had surgery, and after we put Sadie to sleep.  People start and stop nursing all the time, and 4 and a half months isn’t something to sneeze at.  Many mothers lose their milk, they can’t nurse because they have to go back to work or quit after the first month out of sheer frustration.  Other mothers never get their milk or have to deal with other medical issues that make nursing impossible.  This is not a unique situation.  I’m far from the only person who has faced these issues, so why does it hurt so much.