…going away, sometimes goodbye’s such a hard thing to say.
So this is how it all went down. Some of these details I’ve already shared, but for me the timeline is important. Three weeks from start to finish.
On December 29th my mom commented that Sadie smelled and told me I needed to get her groomed. I thought she just had to poop, took her to go out and was frustrated that she didn’t poop.
On January 2nd I noticed something funny in her mouth, opened it up and saw this big bloody growth inside her mouth. Craig and I were freaking, an infected gum, infected tooth, something from the rawhide? Whatever it was, we certainly weren’t ready for it and since we had given up pet insurance years ago when things got tight, we weren’t financially ready for it either.
On January 3rd I took her to the vet. Immediately the vet opened her mouth and told me it was a tumor. It could be cancerous, it could be benign, either way they’d have to sedate her in order to cut it out and do an autopsy. She was also going to do some blood work and X-ray her lungs. I Ok’d all the expenses.
On the evening of January 3rd, Craig picked her up from the vet, very sleepy and bleeding from her mouth.
On January 4th the vet called with the results of her bloodwork and X-ray. Her kidneys and liver were functioning properly, she wasn’t sure if her X-Ray was clear and asked if she could send it out to a radiologist for further investigation. I OK’d the expenses. We cleaned up her blood from the night before. We had to mix her food with warm water so she could eat it.
On January 5th the vet left a message on Craig’s cell phone, the bloodwork came back all clear, blood count of her red and white blood cells was normal. We mixed her food with warm water so she could eat it.
On January 6th we prayed, we hoped, we begged, we tried to remain optimistic. We mixed her food with warm water, ketchup and oil so she would eat and really enjoy her food.
On January 7th the vet called, the tumor was cancerous, the spots she saw in Sadie’s lungs were cancer as well. She has a malignant melanoma in her mouth, it can’t be cured. We cried. My father, sister, brought their dogs over to visit, Heidi came over to visit. We tried to remain optimistic but we felt terrible. We mixed her food with warm water, ketchup and oil so she would eat and really enjoy her food.
On January 8th we didn’t leave the house. We couldn’t bring ourselves to walk away from Sadie, even for a moment. I took her on a long walk to her favorite destination, Palmer Square. She sniffed some butts, she greeted some people, I cried the entire time. Friends that were especially close with her came over to comfort us, to give Sadie lots of love. We mixed her food with warm water, ketchup and oil so she would eat and really enjoy her food.
On January 9th the vet called. She had spoken with the Oncologist at a local animal care center, they have a treatment called the “Melanoma Vaccine”, it’s not a vaccine but could help extend her quality of life, give her a good quality of life. We should get there right away. That day Aleck had his speech therapy appointment and we found out we had to go for a pre-op physical. First we went to the Oncologist, who recommended a new set of X-Rays so he could compare them from this day to how it would all look 8 weeks from now when we finished our treatments. I OK’d the treatments, OK’d the expenses, left Sadie there and ran Aleck to his appointments. Came back later and picked her up, she jumped into the back of the car all by herself. She was put on all kinds of pain meds and anti-inflammatory medication for the place where the vaccine went in and to keep her comfortable. They said she had eaten rice and hamburger and would spin circles when they walked by her crate. We gave her dinner, mixed her food with warm water, ketchup and oil so she would really enjoy her food. Then gave her our leftover hamburgers straight from the table, a major “no, no” in our house, but what the hell. She didn’t really touch her food.
On January 10th she didn’t eat her breakfast until the Occupational Therapist arrived. Only then did she eat, she always did love an audience. Since the 3rd we had been giving her pain meds and antibiotics using American Cheese and beef jerky treats to make a sandwich to hide her pills. She reluctantly ate her dinner way late that night.
On January 11th we had Aleck’s surgery. Our dog walker came at 9:45am since we had left the house at 5:30am. She said she did well, enjoyed her walk, and we were home at 11:30am to take care of her. As soon as we walked in the house we noticed her mouth had gotten huge, very swollen. Craig made an appointment to take her to the oncologist but we got distracted with our post-op 3 month old. We gave her dinner, mixed her food with water, she ate a little of it.
On January 12th her mouth had gotten more swollen and she was bleeding. I called the oncologist who told me it could be swelling from a positive reaction to the vaccine, her body was fighting the cancer. Or it could be the tumor growing, everything getting worse. He really didn’t know. She didn’t eat her breakfast of her food with water, I gave her a bone and broke it into pieces. She carried the pieces all over the house but didn’t eat them. When she came in from her noon walk she finally ate the mix of food and water that had been in her bowl, she didn’t eat her bone. There was blood oozing from her mouth. After walking her that evening and watching her bleed I decided to take her to the vet. My mom was over to help me with my post-op baby. I had to lift Sadie into the back of the car. While I’m driving to the vet I was definitely freaking out. My mom was texting me, warning me not to do anything rash. I called Craig, he started freaking out. He didn’t know if he should meet me at the vet or wait for me to come home. I kept telling myself I wasn’t going to put her to sleep just yet. She was still eating. The vet looked at her and told me the same thing the oncologist told me but added that the oncologist was very optimistic about Sadie’s chances for a longer than expected life, a good quality number of months. We sat on the floor and shared war stories. She had put her dog to sleep the week before and had diagnosed her cat with cancer. On top of it all she had 2 previous miscarriages but now a 5 month old at home, and two weeks ago had crashed her car. Clearly we were birds of a feather. She sent me home with more antibiotics and some high quality wet food for Sadie, no charge. Once again, I had to lift Sadie into the car. When we got home I mixed her food with water and yummy wet dog food. She didn’t eat it.
On January 13th we woke up to pools of blood all over our bedroom, our comforter, her dog bed. Her mouth had gotten much worse. She still hadn’t eaten her food from the night before. We threw it out. I took Aleck to the GI. On my way home I stopped at Target to get Sadie some yogurt, she always loved finishing my empty containers, packages of bologna, and tuna fish. Whenever we made our tuna pasta Sadie would come running to finish off the can. When I got home I gave her a can of tuna, she ate it all up. She no longer could eat the beef jerky with her medicine sandwiches so I had to wrap them in cheese, cheer her on to eat, and then give her tiny nibbles of the jerky to make her happy. After walks we gave her bologna instead of dog treats, the dog treats were too difficult for her to eat. For dinner we made her rice and tuna fish, she ate it all up.
On January 14th we woke up again to blood all over. We gave her rice and tuna for breakfast, she ate it up. I took her on a long afternoon walk to Palmer Square. She sniffed some butts, greeted some people, and we went home. Now we were just giving her meds with cheese, she couldn’t eat the beef jerky or the soft pupperoni treats. The bologna had to be ripped in small pieces so she could eat it, at one point she did grab the larger piece out of my hand as I was ripping small pieces out. We cleaned up the blood, washed her dog bed, and cried. Craig laid towels on her dog bed, we put a blanket on our bed to help catch the blood. We gave her tuna and rice for dinner, she ate it all.
On January 15th we had my parents, sister and their dogs over for brunch. Now the tumor in her mouth was so big you could see it without her opening up her mouth. It hung over the side, teeth impacted in it. I told everyone to wear crappy clothes since she was oozing blood all over. We tied handkerchiefs around her neck to help catch the blood and so we could easily wipe it up. The dogs smelled her mouth, no one really played. I could see the horror in their eyes, they knew something was wrong. We still gave her pills in cheese, but she no longer wanted cheese for a snack anymore. For dinner we fed her tuna and rice, she ate it all up. I listened to her make a lot of noise in her dog bowl, I thought she was drinking the water but when I looked in her bowl the level was the same. She couldn’t drink her water anymore.
On January 16th Sadie didn’t jump in bed like she did every morning while Craig showered. He had to coax her to go out. When we came back in he hugged me and cried. It was the first time I had ever seen Craig cry. I gave her meds, but she didn’t take all of them, and I had to wrap them in bologna she was no longer eating the cheese. I made her breakfast of tuna and rice, she wouldn’t eat it. I tried to hand feed it to her but I had to go take care of Aleck. Afterwards I came back and tried again to feed her the tuna, she wasn’t eating it, she wouldn’t even take it from my hands. I started ripping pieces of bologna, she ate every other piece, spitting the rest onto the floor. Craig called to check up on her, I told him what was going on. We decided we would talk to her vet and the oncologist and take her to the vet that evening. We still weren’t sure what we were going to do. I called my dog walker and asked if she could come earlier, stay with Aleck while I took Sadie for a walk, she agreed. I called my mom to see if she could come and stay with Aleck that evening while Craig and I went to the vet. Clearly she could hear the distress in my voice and instead was at my place by 1:30PM. I took Sadie to Palmer Square for what I thought might be our last walk together. She met some people, bled on their jackets. She sniffed some butts, they sniffed her mouth. When we came home I convinced her to crawl into bed with me, she jumped in bed after lots of coaxing. Together we napped, side by side. I awoke to a crying Aleck, fed him and soothed him. The oncologist called and went over our options, removing part of her jaw, starting radiation, and at the end of the conversation he finally mentioned euthanasia. My vet finally called back, we told her we were coming over tonight, we both knew what was going to happen. I watched my mom feed Sadie tiny pieces of bologna. Sadie took every other piece, but she didn’t move from lying on the floor. She didn’t even lift her head up. I pointed this out to my mom and she remarked that it must be the pain meds. It was 5pm, I hadn’t given her any meds since 7am. Craig and my dad came home. Craig took Sadie out, changed his clothes, and we prepared ourselves for the journey of the evening. Left Aleck and take-out menus with my parents, Damien met us at the back gate. We took Sadie to the back lot to pee, then to the car. Craig had to lift her into the car. We went to the vet, went over all the options one last time, and decided we couldn’t watch her suffer anymore. We hugged her, kissed her, cuddled her, and put her to sleep.
Craig said it best, “We did the best thing for her, the worst thing for us.”